Wednesday, January 20, 2010

F the Shop

We have a shop. It is here:

Sometimes I called it the shed. But the shed is here:

For the sake of the posting, I am talking about the shop, not the shed. Got it? Good.

I f-ing hate the shop. It is dark, dirty, cold, loud, and not a place for girls. At least not sissy girls. A sissy girl is someone who does not want to look at the mouse nest inside the idle Bronco chillin' in the shop. Or a girl who thinks she will for sure, most definitely fall from the homemade (before us) ladder that has loose steps and is coming loose from the wall. Seriously. This ladder is approx a 70 degree angle to the wall and it has no rails or support. I pretty much crawl up the thing 15 feet to the top and then when I have to come back down, with a cat carrier, skis, and/or Christmas decorations (that is what we keep up there...only things I need apparently) I stand at the top for a good 2 minutes debating how I am going to get down. Can I throw the skis to the ground and carefully, one step at a time/two feet on the same step-type walk back down? No. I must carry this, sometimes 8 lbs, object from the top to the bottom. I sweat. I almost cry. I usually end up going backwards like a sissy and try hard to hold onto my object. I fret with each step swearing the nails will not hold. I swear to jesus, one day, they will NOT hold. Mark my words.
Of course T walks up and down this ladder like he is Jesus (or walking gracefully on water. He even walks down facing forward with something in his arms and doesn't even look at each step. He WILL fall. Mark my words. Wait...don't.

When we first moved in, I avoided the shop like the H1N1 virus (and shot). T had mentioned he found a dead rat/squirrel/hairycarcass in the corner and hadn't cleaned it up. When I was forced into the shop I avoided all eye contact with any corner. I did NOT want to catch a glimpse of that thing. Seeing it would make the dead thing real and I would never ever want to return. Even if I really needed the cat carrier. I would let Sam roam the car on the way to the vet, even if that meant him getting on the dash and REALLY wanting to sit right in front of my vision to be pet. At least that would be precious and less dangerous than seeing a dead animal!

Not to mention, the Bronco is in the shop. Not running. Duh. The bronco in itself is scary. Did I mention the mouse nest in the engine? The former bee hive in the engine? The poisonous mold growing on the seat covers? The fact that T used to love that hunko'junk more then me?

Needless to say, I don't go into the shop regularly, and I break out in a cold sweat if I have to go in there myself. When I unlock the door and open it, I swear a raccoon will come running out with his rat and mouse buddies. They will mow me down because they are so hungry. They would have already eaten all the foam out of the Bronco's seats and drank all the pop out of the Big Gulp "thermos" that has been sitting in there for 3 years. Oh god!

So I hope you get an idea of how hard it is for me to appreciate the shop. Everyone in the county has one though. You have to have one. It stores all your shit. Obviously. Oh yea, I almost forgot the spiders. I am sure there are big brown spiders in there too, everyone has them in their shop.

With that said, we have decided to use the shop as our "dance barn" for the wedding. Slap your leg and call me silly. Nice, huh? After all that, how could I let my pretty white dress in that shit hole? After making Tyler scrub it WITH SOAP and decorate it with lights, that's how. It must be free of all scary things, maybe the ladder too? Oh god, please the ladder. An escalator would be nice in its place. (Installed after the wedding of course, there wouldn't be enough dancegetyourfreakon room with an escalator, der!)

I think it will work. I think I can do this. But I figured I should give you just warning.


Gevan said...

Oh my god, Em, you just crack me up. If it makes you feel any better, that thing you call a ladder, masquerading as stairs, scared the crap out of me too the first time I went up. Now the rest of the shop -- it's cool. I am so envious!

Honest to Christina said...

OMG HILARIOUS! I think once it is spruced up by T, nothing icky or scary will ever set foot in it again. I think.

E Herold said...

I try to be entertaining.
Christina, you aren't so bad yourself. :) And yes, I am hoping that after the wedding, I will have a new fondness for the place.
Gevan, I really do like the shop and how we can store two trucks and a tractor! but lord, cold places with animal feces in the corners really scare me. I will try to get over it....but...fat chance.

Cherl said...

Andy and I visited a very old church in Santa Fe where there was a spiral staircase built without any tools (no nails, screws, nothin'). Only planks arranged "just so." It's considered a miracle and attracts crowds.

Maybe you could start charging people $2 to see your 'miracle ladder.'

The Momma said...

I say, ‘slap your head and call you a big baby’. But hey you’re my big baby so gotta love ya. You were a timid, shy, scaredy child but since you obviously grew out of the timid, shy part I thought maybe you might have shed (not shop) the scaredy cat part. You don’t cry at thunder anymore, you can spend the night away from your mommy, you will light a match, and apparently are no longer concerned about stepping on an escalator. So what’s up with spiders and mice nests & ladders; oh my!? That shop is terrific (tho’ seriously, Ty, reattach those stairs!)
Emmy, I pledge I will do my part to help transform it from your worst nightmare to your dream reception venue.
I was missing your blogging but this was worth waiting for.
Are you sure it's 'used to' as far as T & the Bronco?

M.J. said...

Did you remember your mom telling you that at Grammie's Medford house we called the carport shed 'the house?' Apparently there's a long genetic thread of misnomer confusion in your DNA!

So I'm in total agreement with making that shop of yours into a moneymaker as soon as the current trend for immediate litigation when 'oops' happen changes. The space certainly sounds predestined to be a great venue for a creepy Halloween something, or even yet, how about a great place to have a 'little boy birthday party' happening. Heck, you have it all -- a tractor to sit on, dirt and/or mud to play with, worms to dig, rickety stairs to climb, insect critters to trap and take home, dead stuff, room to run and, ala your pop-ski, a place to launch rockets. Your 'art project' for the party would be the boys decorating the garbage bags (with armhole cutouts) that they'll wear when they have to get back in someone's car to be driven home. You could tweak your party package offering with extra add ons like sheep/goats for a bareback riding/bucking/wrangling experience to keep bringing them back ... ah, the possibilities are endless !

Taking an opposite route for the Shop - wouldn't a steam cleaning power washer turn the space into the non-webbie, droppings free look you'd prefer ?

As for me, I'm hoping to pull your name for next year's family Xmas, as I'm already working on a protective, ladder climbing outfit for you. It'll be awesome !

E Herold said...

whoa auntie; novel. :)

The MOB said...

The shed sounds a little sketchy. Ty is going to have his work cut out for him.

E Herold said...

B - Shop, shop. haha. He always has his work cut out for him here though. He handles it like a trooper.
Cherl - I think our stairs/ladder aren't a miarcle, I think they were built by a 60 yr old man and will crumble soon. However, those stairs you are talking about sounds awesome!